6-4-13 RMB Just Show Up

6-4-13 RMB Just Show Up

Dear Rita Mae Brown,

I have been writing stories, escaping into them, escaping the changes in my life, escaping the needs of friends and family, escaping thoughts of our upcoming family reunion vacation. If I can just coast by, the time will pass on its own accord. The changes will transpire, run their course.

All I have to do is show up. Show up for work and handle each challenge as it presents itself, show up for family and friends and lend a hand where I can, show up at the family reunion and just be there,

I try not to think too much, not to think about the sales that won’t happen while the Sales Manager (me) vacations, because I have no sales crew. My one employee, who also handles marketing, just gave her notice. It is a good opportunity. I encourage her to grow, to move on with her life, while trying to figure out how I can grow sales alone. I email myself all I think I will need to continue working outside the office. Can I work and vacation at the same time? We shall see.

I try not to think of friends and family going through changes, adjusting medication, facing challenges, just be there, just help when I can; be the taxi; be the proverbial “shoulder” to lean on. Just be present.

I try not to think of the family reunion, of emotions that simmer under the surface with family, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, several generations, so much history, so many issues in one house for one week, two dozen of us. Just be there visit, reconnect, move forward, never back, today is more important than yesterday, tomorrow more important than today.

If I think too much, my stomach clenches, my head spins and I literally tremble. Thinking leads to feeling, opening paths best left un-tread. I don’t have the answers; I can’t solve the issues in our small company alone; I can’t make the world make sense for someone else (it doesn’t even make sense to me); I can’t heal the wounds in my family - not even close. And everyone everywhere has wounds; perhaps that is the most frustrating element.

Really, there is more good than anything else. I know change is part of progress. I know I am fortunate to be in this family. Siblings, halves, steps, and wholes, all care for each other. Overall, we all treat each other kinder than any other family unit I have known. Each generation has cared for someone, a mother, a sister, an aunt, a father, who needed caring for, temporarily or as they ended their final days, months and years.

I know I am fortunate. Although even with all that is good, it overwhelms me. Wuss…But I can be there. I can do whatever I can do in the moment. I can do my best…and I will.

All my best,

Loraine